Jackade's A-Z of technostalgia: you know you've been left behind, but never know quite how far…™

A guide for those who know they'd actually be better off without a computer, but don't want to feel left out.

Glossary: Shiny, sometimes chrome, version of the less popular mattary

ADSoL: Believed by many to be an ointment which if applied to MSN will alleviate boredom
AlGoreIthm: VP of Speech Impediment Recognition
Beta Teste: Least favoured or trial gonad
Convergents: Post-production meeting in the mensroom [for US read bathroom]
DOS Boot: Epic TV series about ill-fated OS
Eithernet: Ambidextrous Fishing Ability
F13: ESC or HELP key (so named in honour of Apollo 13)
FUBAR: Frigged Up Beyond All Recognition
3G: A boy band which observed Homer Simpson's first rule of pop, 'How many fingers am I holding up?'
GIFTLE: Graphic illustration for the lonely IT engineer (see PAWN)
GITS: Great Idea Timing Sucks
Hexedecimal: One of the many mystical base roots of programming
IBMW: The Ultimate Onboard Trip Computer; requires a trailer for the manual
JAVAahh: The essential first coffee of the day
Keiou: Debt of gratitude to the third host institution for W3C
LANgauge: Mechanism to determine the full extent of adjacent network
METAl TAG: Preferable to the cheaper plastic version
MicroSerf: A small person degraded by virtual servitude
Nude: Naked resource with an URI: avoid the more challenging version with an UZI
ODE: IDE with poetic tendencies
Open Source: Congealed ketchup
OMTER: The redundant remains of a PC after the CPU has been removed
ParanoIT: The sneaking suspicion that installing the technology you acquired to streamline your task is no longer the means to an end, but just mean.
PAWN: Male helpless in the face of private Internet access
Postcrypt: Depository for important and urgent correspondence esp. snail mail
QAF: Questions Asked Frequently but from an even more stupid POV
RPCG: Remote procedure call girl or guy
Scuttle: Original nautical term for a 'portal'; in the UK we used to put coal in them, now we have silicon-based substitutes
SOD: The Synchronized Organized Disagreement, more commonly known as 'a meeting'
SQL: Second in series; invariably considered as inferior to the original
TV: Obsolete communications device sometimes used as a digital distribution medium
untel: That ever decreasing period of time between buying an ‘Intel Inside’ PC and the next chipset being announced. Many customers prefer to wait ‘untel’ then
URL: To throw-up just a short distance usually onto your own shoes
VAX: Plural of Hoover A.K.A. Jedgars
WAPourware: Fabulously interesting content delivered to your cellphone; not to be confused with the slightly more exciting Tupperware
WEFT: The resulting complexity when the WOFT is taken to commitee level; part of the fabric of meetings
WOFT: Waste Of Friggin’ Time
WYSHIWASHI: What You See Here Is Where A* Should Have Input
XDEX: derivative of hypertext, and a fantastically simple-to-use personal portal
XML: The actual size of a programmer’s T-shirt after they have followed the less-than-logical care instructions
XXL: T-shirt used to disguise absence of waist as worn by most programmers
Yahanoi: Rip-off search engine originating in the latest EPZ: Enterprise Processing Zone
2ero: Expression used to confuse non-science officers, non Vulcans, and non-engineers when describing the distance between 1 and minus 1 as 2, but actually describing the halfway point as zero. Using such explanations more wodely, it is thus possible to ensure that people get nowhere very fast. This can also be accomplished, or rather not accomplished, with a computer.

* insert name of guilty party, or just use their default title of Asshole!

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© Jackade 12th February 2004